Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Working is hard work!

Working a part time job and taking care of the house is exhausting! My husband and I are currently switching hours and working opposite each other. If absence makes the heart grow fonder than our hearts are pretty darn fond! I am chronically exhausted. I don't know if it's a combination of breastfeeding and working or what, but I am always so tired. It feels like I have been drained. i am old beyond my years. Money is tighter than ever and not working is not an option. I just feel like we are working towards nothing. We aren't getting ahead and I don't think we will be able to anytime soon. Hubby and I barely see each other but at least I know my kids are with one of us at all times. I am left to wonder if this is just how it will always be. Maybe I should just get used to "squeaking by" and working ourselves into an early grave. I wonder is this is it. Life. If this is the rest of our lives. It puts me in a funk. I just need to trust that God will take care of us and that one day it will all be easier. It's hard, but it's all I have.

Friday, June 5, 2009

Can't shake the "blah"

I have just been feeling off lately. I have lost some of the desire to do the things I not so long ago, enjoyed. I am barely enjoying anything anymore. I could possibly attribute this to that monthly disturber of my life. I only just got my first period since giving birth to my now 14 month old about a month ago. I have been breastfeeding and was hoping to avoid getting it until weaning, but mother nature had other plans. I hope it's just hormones.
I don't have any sort of "good" reason for feeling this way. I know money is tight but we are not suffering or going hungry. I also applied for a job, which we need desperately and haven't gotten called back. I was really looking forward to making some money and this job was going to work out so well, since I would have to work around hubby's hours. But even then it's not like there aren't any other jobs i can get. There hasn't been any extra stress lately, just the normal everyday stress.
I used to have a passion for life that seems to have been swept under the rug. My optimism has dwindled and my energy has dipped. I used to look forward to going for walks with my baby and lately I haven't even wanted to leave the house. It's just strange. I don't know how to get out of this funk. It's only been this way for the last 6 weeks or so. I am really trying to feel like my old self again but I'm not sure exactly how. I just feel blah. Where is my passion? My optimism, my rose-colored glasses? I have misplaced them and I checked everywhere I can think of. It's not right.
I may be feeling lost now but I will be found! I will have to get myself out of this funk and back to funky. Just you wait. I am in here somewhere. I just have to come back! Right?

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Your Light

When darkness falls another day,
It is your light that leads the way,
Though darkness is not of your hand,
Some things I've yet to understand,
It is my eyes that do deceive,
But in my heart I do believe,
Though eyes see not I shall not fear,
Your truth is always crystal clear,
So lead me while my light is gone,
And I will follow on and on

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Soccer mom coming through

Ok so, none of my kids are in soccer but I think I qualify for the title "Soccer Mom". A title I can honestly say I am shocked to fit into. I think when I hear the term "Soccer Mom" I picture a frumpy older minivan driving stressed out woman with a kid in each arm, and one clutching a leg, driving the kids around for all those kid things. I created a little drawing of what a tired soccer om might look like. So, ok most of that is me, I do drive a minivan and occasionally drag a child around by my leg (or else it feels that way) and I do drive the kids around for every little event under the sun. The kicking baby, the tantrum, the apparent lack of sleep in my eyes. Yep, that's me. I just feel like maybe I am the atypical version of the classic Soccer mom. (I like to see myself as an individual, doesn't everyone?). Maybe Soccer mom with a cool twist. I can deal with that. I have that bumper sticker on the back of my minivan to remind me just in case I start to forget. It says "I may drive a minivan but I still Rock!". It's all to let all those on the road know that this minivan is being driven by someone awesome (please let me have my delusions).
Sometimes, I am not as well groomed as I'd like but I try to pull myself together before I leave the house. I shamefully have been known to go grocery shopping in pjs however and some days I squeak by without a shower. Ahhh, That's motherhood at it's finest. But seriously between cooking cleaning, refereeing, and the occasional though not at all private, potty breaks when am I supposed to fit in grooming? Let's not forget the fact that I am a traveling milk bar for a very clingy 1 year old. I am constantly running to pick up kids from after school activities, driving to talent shows, musical events, Romp N Roll, doctor's appointments, and church events. I think that alone throws me into the "Soccer Mom" category. Add all that stuff previously mentioned and Kapow! I guess I am a Soccer Mom after all!
What does it all mean for me? I am living a life I could have never pictured in a million years. Now, don't get me wrong this is just where I want to be. I absolutely love being a stay at home mom whose career is in the hands of those who don't wash their own. I love picking up after a family that should be picking up after themselves and driving to all the events that almost slipped my mind until the last possible minute. The stress is manageable and the kids may actually become self sufficient adults one day. I know how fast it goes so I am just enjoying it now. No, this is never what I pictured but when has my life ever been what I pictured anyway? I think this is better. I get to give my kids the very best gift of all, me! I am there for all their needs and they get my love, attention and time, and when they really start driving me crazy I can always beg dady to take them to the park.

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Being a Mommi

Being a mother, is something anyone can do
but, being a Mommi is making a commitment to no longer coming first.
A feeling unmatched and unable to be explained to those not blessed as I.
Being a Mommi is a calling, it is an occupation, it is a gift
Fear has never griped so hard and love has never grasped so tight.
My heart has been awakened
My life no longer belongs to me
I am reborn and transformed.
Being a Mommi is hard work,
and it is sometimes painful
It is never easy and always worth it
Being a Mommi changes who you are
It makes you stronger
and it makes you more scared than you have ever been
Being a Mommi opens your eyes, censors you and sets you free.
Motherhood is deep and profound.
Being a Mommi is multi tasking
It is Health care, it is teaching, it is learning
It is feeling.
Being a Mommi is compassion, it is selflessness
It is faith.
My life Forever changed, not for my own regard.
Being a Mommi is perfect, without coming close to perfection
Being a Mommi is me
And I am grateful for those who call me so
I am Mommi