Night weaning

 I am so tired. This is more than the average tired I face everyday, this is night weaning tired. Yes, I am night weaning my 13 month old. This is my second attempt. I tried when Baby Dude was 11 months but two days in he got sick and I felt guilty, so I caved. This time however I am sticking to it ( I hope!). I nursed him at 11:15pm when I got home from work and then after I put him down and I put on a t-shirt (I otherwise always wear tank tops for easy access) to ensure
  His will is certainly stronger than mine. He put up quite a fight the first time he woke up and I didn't give him the boobie. He practically threw himself off the bed as I tried my best to soothe him. He was MAD! I felt for a moment like maybe, I couldn't get through this but i stuck to my guns. After several brutal minutes of tantruming I said a quick prayer for my stamina and for Dude's comfort. Eventually my determination won and he passed out in my arms. What a huge relief. I felt like this was a small victory. One of many I hope to win through this process. He woke up only one other time and the tantrum was half the time before he passed out again. My husband did snore him awake one other time but it wasn't as hard to soothe Baby Dude as if he woke up wanting boobie. Around 6am when he woke up I told him "Yay, the sun is up! You made it!" but I was really thinking "Thank the Lord, I made it!" then I gave him boobie and he passed out in the happiest milk coma I have ever seen. I decided that if the sun was up, he could have boobie. I even sung him a silly song I made up to let him know that boobies sleep until the sun comes up, a tip I learned on a night weaning website about talking to him about it during the day.
  So, night one of night weaning is over and I am totally exhausted and sleep deprived. But, all this will eventually win me more sleep in the future so it will (hopefully) be worth it. I feel a sense of freedom in completing the hardest part of the process, getting through the first night. I hope tonight and the rest of the week goes just as smoothly. Wish me luck!

I am just mom

 So, I watched my first episode of America's got Talent alone. I always watch them with my oldest children but they are away. So, I watched alone. I cried alone, and no one was there to be embarrassed of me. I am so obviously obsessed with that show. I've never been one to fall in love with these celebrity judge shows. There's just something about watching these ordinary people do extraordinary things. I guess it's watching a world outside my own mommy world and hoping thee's more. Not to mention it's quite entertaining watching the crackpots who I'm not sure if they really believe they have talent or if they know they don't and just want 5 minutes of fame. And Oh boy the Las Vegas auditions, I cry like a baby at those. Anyway, my actual point was, it was really lonely watching alone. Peaceful, but lonely. I am so sheltered.
  After watching AGT I was really missing my daughter, so I called her up to share a link that she could watch from and register to vote and just hear her voice. Well, it was kind of a let down when I called and she was kind of like "Ok, yeah what do you want, I'm having fun". Those weren't her words but it was the definitely her tone. The conversation was short and left me feeling bummed out. I mean I guess at a certain age your mom isn't your world anymore even though children are always a mother's world. I know she misses me but not like I miss her.
  I guess I need a friend. I do have freinds but no one close. Not like I had in New York. I wish my husband and I had more time together but even then, I need a really good girlfriend. Sigh. I am just so focused on being mommy that there's no time for myself to be anything but. I will just have to wait until my boys are in school and then I can try to find out who I really am. I miss being a person outside of mom. I feel like I lost any shadow of anything remotely who I used to be. I am mom and no longer me. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids and I love being a mom, I just wish there was a way for me to be both myself and mom. Right now it's almost impossible to find that balance. I wonder, can anyone relate?