So, I watched my first episode of America's got Talent alone. I always watch them with my oldest children but they are away. So, I watched alone. I cried alone, and no one was there to be embarrassed of me. I am so obviously obsessed with that show. I've never been one to fall in love with these celebrity judge shows. There's just something about watching these ordinary people do extraordinary things. I guess it's watching a world outside my own mommy world and hoping thee's more. Not to mention it's quite entertaining watching the crackpots who I'm not sure if they really believe they have talent or if they know they don't and just want 5 minutes of fame. And Oh boy the Las Vegas auditions, I cry like a baby at those. Anyway, my actual point was, it was really lonely watching alone. Peaceful, but lonely. I am so sheltered.
After watching AGT I was really missing my daughter, so I called her up to share a link that she could watch from and register to vote and just hear her voice. Well, it was kind of a let down when I called and she was kind of like "Ok, yeah what do you want, I'm having fun". Those weren't her words but it was the definitely her tone. The conversation was short and left me feeling bummed out. I mean I guess at a certain age your mom isn't your world anymore even though children are always a mother's world. I know she misses me but not like I miss her.
I guess I need a friend. I do have freinds but no one close. Not like I had in New York. I wish my husband and I had more time together but even then, I need a really good girlfriend. Sigh. I am just so focused on being mommy that there's no time for myself to be anything but. I will just have to wait until my boys are in school and then I can try to find out who I really am. I miss being a person outside of mom. I feel like I lost any shadow of anything remotely who I used to be. I am mom and no longer me. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids and I love being a mom, I just wish there was a way for me to be both myself and mom. Right now it's almost impossible to find that balance. I wonder, can anyone relate?
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