I am so sick of being fat. I'm 30 pounds over my pre pre pregnancy weight, that is since before I had my third child. I was breastfeeding The Destroyer boy when I got pregnant so I was still 20 lbs overweight at that time. I never weaned him before I became pregnant so there was never any real weight loss.
I am one of those many whose body defies the laws of science and calories while breastfeeding. Many women do not actually Lise weight while breastfeeding as we are told. I understand the pro breastfeeding campaign wants more women to choose a more natural healthy way to feed their babies but flat out lying to these women just makes them feel like something is wrong with them when they are not losing. Now, I know that there are women for which this is true but these women are not the majority. No, the majority are women like me, fat and unhappy, unable to shed even an ounce until weaning.
My body literally defies the laws if science. Calories in calories out has no meaning. Burning 500 calories a day has no effect. Exercise and hard work goes unrewarded. It's beyond discouraging. I have been getting very depressed. I watch calories eat generally healthy and drink 10 to 12 glasses of water a day. I have kicked it into high gear in hopes that I could still happily breastfeed my toddler without the misery of being so extremely overweight. Alas, not one single ounce has come off of my body. It just doesn't compute. I am consuming far less calories than I am burning and I pee my weight in water each day. What gives? It's enough to make me want to just wean my little Dude but I know he's not ready. It's a miserable existence.
I know from past experience that once I completely wean the weight will drop off. I know this. But because I have been breastfeeding children for over three years without a break I feel like weaning will never happen. Baby Dude is 13, almost 14 months old and I keep telling myself that I'll go until 18 months. Yeah, that's what I said with The Destroyer but he was over two when I finally called it quits. That was due to the fact that nursing both boys was taking too much of a toll on my already exhausted body. He still asks from time to time but I insist that he is a big boy (even though he refuses to potty train, but that's a whole other post). How will I be able to wean Dude when I have been struggling for two weeks to night wean him and he still wakes up fighting and thrashing for boobie?
I keep telling myself that this weight lock is physically impossible and that there has to be some way to shift my body into gear. It's in a breastfeeding starvation mode basically. It's hoarding every calorie and every bit of fat in case of a famine. It's refusing to allow a single precious ounce of fat to be released no matter how hard I work against it. I'm just so so sick of this body. It truly is not fair. I'm doing something great for my child and I feel like I'm being punished for it. I know I'm not alone. I've talked to countless women who say the same things. Even my own doctor said it was completely normal for women to hold on to weight during breastfeeding. So why do I feel like something is wrong with me? It's partly in thanks to all those ads proclaiming the wonders of effortless weight shedding while lactating. It's so unfair!
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Monday, July 25, 2011
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Night weaning
I am so tired. This is more than the average tired I face everyday, this is night weaning tired. Yes, I am night weaning my 13 month old. This is my second attempt. I tried when Baby Dude was 11 months but two days in he got sick and I felt guilty, so I caved. This time however I am sticking to it ( I hope!). I nursed him at 11:15pm when I got home from work and then after I put him down and I put on a t-shirt (I otherwise always wear tank tops for easy access) to ensure
His will is certainly stronger than mine. He put up quite a fight the first time he woke up and I didn't give him the boobie. He practically threw himself off the bed as I tried my best to soothe him. He was MAD! I felt for a moment like maybe, I couldn't get through this but i stuck to my guns. After several brutal minutes of tantruming I said a quick prayer for my stamina and for Dude's comfort. Eventually my determination won and he passed out in my arms. What a huge relief. I felt like this was a small victory. One of many I hope to win through this process. He woke up only one other time and the tantrum was half the time before he passed out again. My husband did snore him awake one other time but it wasn't as hard to soothe Baby Dude as if he woke up wanting boobie. Around 6am when he woke up I told him "Yay, the sun is up! You made it!" but I was really thinking "Thank the Lord, I made it!" then I gave him boobie and he passed out in the happiest milk coma I have ever seen. I decided that if the sun was up, he could have boobie. I even sung him a silly song I made up to let him know that boobies sleep until the sun comes up, a tip I learned on a night weaning website about talking to him about it during the day.
So, night one of night weaning is over and I am totally exhausted and sleep deprived. But, all this will eventually win me more sleep in the future so it will (hopefully) be worth it. I feel a sense of freedom in completing the hardest part of the process, getting through the first night. I hope tonight and the rest of the week goes just as smoothly. Wish me luck!
His will is certainly stronger than mine. He put up quite a fight the first time he woke up and I didn't give him the boobie. He practically threw himself off the bed as I tried my best to soothe him. He was MAD! I felt for a moment like maybe, I couldn't get through this but i stuck to my guns. After several brutal minutes of tantruming I said a quick prayer for my stamina and for Dude's comfort. Eventually my determination won and he passed out in my arms. What a huge relief. I felt like this was a small victory. One of many I hope to win through this process. He woke up only one other time and the tantrum was half the time before he passed out again. My husband did snore him awake one other time but it wasn't as hard to soothe Baby Dude as if he woke up wanting boobie. Around 6am when he woke up I told him "Yay, the sun is up! You made it!" but I was really thinking "Thank the Lord, I made it!" then I gave him boobie and he passed out in the happiest milk coma I have ever seen. I decided that if the sun was up, he could have boobie. I even sung him a silly song I made up to let him know that boobies sleep until the sun comes up, a tip I learned on a night weaning website about talking to him about it during the day.
So, night one of night weaning is over and I am totally exhausted and sleep deprived. But, all this will eventually win me more sleep in the future so it will (hopefully) be worth it. I feel a sense of freedom in completing the hardest part of the process, getting through the first night. I hope tonight and the rest of the week goes just as smoothly. Wish me luck!
I am just mom
So, I watched my first episode of America's got Talent alone. I always watch them with my oldest children but they are away. So, I watched alone. I cried alone, and no one was there to be embarrassed of me. I am so obviously obsessed with that show. I've never been one to fall in love with these celebrity judge shows. There's just something about watching these ordinary people do extraordinary things. I guess it's watching a world outside my own mommy world and hoping thee's more. Not to mention it's quite entertaining watching the crackpots who I'm not sure if they really believe they have talent or if they know they don't and just want 5 minutes of fame. And Oh boy the Las Vegas auditions, I cry like a baby at those. Anyway, my actual point was, it was really lonely watching alone. Peaceful, but lonely. I am so sheltered.
After watching AGT I was really missing my daughter, so I called her up to share a link that she could watch from and register to vote and just hear her voice. Well, it was kind of a let down when I called and she was kind of like "Ok, yeah what do you want, I'm having fun". Those weren't her words but it was the definitely her tone. The conversation was short and left me feeling bummed out. I mean I guess at a certain age your mom isn't your world anymore even though children are always a mother's world. I know she misses me but not like I miss her.
I guess I need a friend. I do have freinds but no one close. Not like I had in New York. I wish my husband and I had more time together but even then, I need a really good girlfriend. Sigh. I am just so focused on being mommy that there's no time for myself to be anything but. I will just have to wait until my boys are in school and then I can try to find out who I really am. I miss being a person outside of mom. I feel like I lost any shadow of anything remotely who I used to be. I am mom and no longer me. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids and I love being a mom, I just wish there was a way for me to be both myself and mom. Right now it's almost impossible to find that balance. I wonder, can anyone relate?
After watching AGT I was really missing my daughter, so I called her up to share a link that she could watch from and register to vote and just hear her voice. Well, it was kind of a let down when I called and she was kind of like "Ok, yeah what do you want, I'm having fun". Those weren't her words but it was the definitely her tone. The conversation was short and left me feeling bummed out. I mean I guess at a certain age your mom isn't your world anymore even though children are always a mother's world. I know she misses me but not like I miss her.
I guess I need a friend. I do have freinds but no one close. Not like I had in New York. I wish my husband and I had more time together but even then, I need a really good girlfriend. Sigh. I am just so focused on being mommy that there's no time for myself to be anything but. I will just have to wait until my boys are in school and then I can try to find out who I really am. I miss being a person outside of mom. I feel like I lost any shadow of anything remotely who I used to be. I am mom and no longer me. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids and I love being a mom, I just wish there was a way for me to be both myself and mom. Right now it's almost impossible to find that balance. I wonder, can anyone relate?
Friday, July 1, 2011
Minus two for July
So, my parents came from NY to take my two oldest children to stay with them for a month. They left yesterday morning and I won't see them again until August. This is my husband's dream come true. While it sounds like a nice vacation to only have my youngest boys I am actually quite sad. Besides the fact that I still have 3 kids to babysitevery day and no real "break" anyway I miss my daughter so much. Now, obviously I miss my oldest boy but as he has reached "teenagerhood" I actually need a vacation from him. Although, I'm sure I'll miss him after a while, it is a bit of relief. Not having someone to cop an attitude at me, talk back at me, roll his eyes and correct me because he so obviously knows way more at his age than I'll ever know. I used to be the "cool mom"... but I digress.
My daughter however, is only 11 and not quite at that level yet. She is extremely intelligent and very mature for her age but not yet clouded with the hormonal storm of puberty. Plus, as my only girl we have a bond that none of my boys will ever really have with me. It's a girl thing. She is my most helpful and responsible child and basically my best friend. My husband and I work opposite hours to keep our kids out of daycare and the rest of my family is hundreds of miles away, so she is really the closest person to any adult family member I have to talk to. And every week we watch America's got Talent together and she shakes her head at me in embarrassment when I cry. Lol. I had to pull myself together when talking to my husband on the phone yesterday after explaining that I already missed her. I nearly lost it, but I pulled myself together by reminding myself that it had only been a few hours since she left and if I couldn't make it through a few hours I'd surely be committed in a week or two.
The house seems so empty and I haven't yet mastered how to scale down from cooking for a small army. The small toilet paper roll has lasted so long, and there hasn't been a shouting match between brother and sister in over 24 hours. I have taken over walking the dog and feeding my daughter's kitten and the dishes aren't overflowing in the sink like they would be by this time. Toys are still strewn about the house but no one is here to help me pick up. I should be grateful, I'm sure the kids are having a great time and boy, am I going to save a lot of money on food this month. Still, it's just a strange feeling not to have all my children here with me. I guess I'm just going to have suck it up for the next five weeks and remember how much I am missing them next time they drive me nuts.
My daughter however, is only 11 and not quite at that level yet. She is extremely intelligent and very mature for her age but not yet clouded with the hormonal storm of puberty. Plus, as my only girl we have a bond that none of my boys will ever really have with me. It's a girl thing. She is my most helpful and responsible child and basically my best friend. My husband and I work opposite hours to keep our kids out of daycare and the rest of my family is hundreds of miles away, so she is really the closest person to any adult family member I have to talk to. And every week we watch America's got Talent together and she shakes her head at me in embarrassment when I cry. Lol. I had to pull myself together when talking to my husband on the phone yesterday after explaining that I already missed her. I nearly lost it, but I pulled myself together by reminding myself that it had only been a few hours since she left and if I couldn't make it through a few hours I'd surely be committed in a week or two.
The house seems so empty and I haven't yet mastered how to scale down from cooking for a small army. The small toilet paper roll has lasted so long, and there hasn't been a shouting match between brother and sister in over 24 hours. I have taken over walking the dog and feeding my daughter's kitten and the dishes aren't overflowing in the sink like they would be by this time. Toys are still strewn about the house but no one is here to help me pick up. I should be grateful, I'm sure the kids are having a great time and boy, am I going to save a lot of money on food this month. Still, it's just a strange feeling not to have all my children here with me. I guess I'm just going to have suck it up for the next five weeks and remember how much I am missing them next time they drive me nuts.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
My kids, nicknames and a bit about them
The qualification for having a mom blog is first and foremost, being a mom. So, of course I couldn't have a mom blog without my kids. They are ultimately my main source of joy and also my main source of torment, especially now that my oldest is a teenager and my second is headed that way. So, in order to include them in my blog, I suppose I should give them some handy nicknames. Well, I have no idea what names to use because a lot of the good ones are taken. I pretty much already have nicknames for the two little boys but my older two are much harder.
My daughter, my only daughter well, she could certainly be Judy Moody if that wasn't already a popular book and upcoming movie or Debbie Drama most days lately. But beyond all that preteen hormonal drama she is really my biggest helper and she is more responsible than even my oldest. She is always there to lend a hand with the little ones or help clean up, and she always wants to be close to me and imitates a lot of what I do. I think her blog nickname will be "Mini-Mom". My oldest son is at that age where he thinks he knows more than me. He has it all figured out, as most teenagers do. But, I will say that at least he has goals. He wants to join the Marines when he is older and he wants to be a psychiatrist. He loves all things military related as well as magic (he does some amazing things with a deck of cards) and he plays the drums and guitar very well. I am thinking of donning him with the nickname "Soldier boy".
My three year old has earned the name "The destroyer" since he was old enough to move around on his own. If it can be taken apart, spilled, ripped, dumped, broken, shredded, or crushed, he will or has done it. He just enjoys it. Maybe he will be a mechanical engineer one day. He is also very cunning and shy as well as verbally expressive. The things he says have us rolling and we can never stay mad at him long. My little guy, our very last (unless God has other plans) has always been "Baby Dude" due to the way my Destroyer pronounced his name from the day he was born. It was so cute that it stuck and he's just Baby Dude to us. He has quite the personality, this little guy, he loves to make us laugh and he is always trying to get a chuckle, whether with faces, dances or sounds. He loves attention and he definitely has his ways of getting it.
So, that's some quick info on the ones that call me Mom. They drive me crazy, but I wouldn't trade them for anything!
My daughter, my only daughter well, she could certainly be Judy Moody if that wasn't already a popular book and upcoming movie or Debbie Drama most days lately. But beyond all that preteen hormonal drama she is really my biggest helper and she is more responsible than even my oldest. She is always there to lend a hand with the little ones or help clean up, and she always wants to be close to me and imitates a lot of what I do. I think her blog nickname will be "Mini-Mom". My oldest son is at that age where he thinks he knows more than me. He has it all figured out, as most teenagers do. But, I will say that at least he has goals. He wants to join the Marines when he is older and he wants to be a psychiatrist. He loves all things military related as well as magic (he does some amazing things with a deck of cards) and he plays the drums and guitar very well. I am thinking of donning him with the nickname "Soldier boy".
My three year old has earned the name "The destroyer" since he was old enough to move around on his own. If it can be taken apart, spilled, ripped, dumped, broken, shredded, or crushed, he will or has done it. He just enjoys it. Maybe he will be a mechanical engineer one day. He is also very cunning and shy as well as verbally expressive. The things he says have us rolling and we can never stay mad at him long. My little guy, our very last (unless God has other plans) has always been "Baby Dude" due to the way my Destroyer pronounced his name from the day he was born. It was so cute that it stuck and he's just Baby Dude to us. He has quite the personality, this little guy, he loves to make us laugh and he is always trying to get a chuckle, whether with faces, dances or sounds. He loves attention and he definitely has his ways of getting it.
So, that's some quick info on the ones that call me Mom. They drive me crazy, but I wouldn't trade them for anything!
(Hardly) Super Mom
I am a working mom of four children (five if you count my husband). Their ages are 13, 11, 3 and 1 year old. We all live in an apartment with two cats, a chihuahua and a aquatic turtle named Sushi. I currently work nights and babysit an additional 3 children by day. In my spare time (haha, yeah, spare time) I like to write poetry and read. I am trying to see if there's any way to throw a blog into the mix. Wish me luck.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
My family brings me joy every single day
Everyday when I wake up
And open up my eyes
No matter what the weather brings
My world has sunny skies
Even during hard times
My family is there
The one thing I can count on
Is the love that we all share
My children bring me happiness
My husband gives me love
The joy they bring me every day
Is a true gift from above
There are many things upon this earth
That I certainly enjoy
But without my precious family
They just couldn't bring me joy
Every single thing I do
Is no longer just for me
So with all my heart the things I do
Are for my family
This post is part of SOYJOY‘s. What brings you joy contest. Learn more here.
Friday, May 14, 2010
50 things about me
I borrowed this idea from KateZahn.com, and I hope I can come up with 50!
1. I am dreading my upcoming birthday.
2. I will be turning 29, again.
3. I am a mother of 3 but will be 4 in June.
4. My kids ages are 12, 10, 2 and still waiting for #4
5. I am happily married to a wonderful man.
6. My husband and I work opposite hours to care for our kids.
7. I miss my husband.
8. I love to write, poetry mostly.
9. I love drawing just as much, if not more.
10. I haven't had much time to do either lately.
11. My husband and I had our honeymoon in Paris.
12. I won the trip to Paris in a writing contest sponsored by M&M's.
13. I love entering contests, blog or otherwise.
14. I have very little time to enter any contests.
15. I don't enjoy my job.
16. I long to stay home with my children, but can't.
17. Sometimes, I get depressed.
18. I have great faith that God will see us through.
19. I miss riding my bike.
20. I used to have craft nights with my only daughter.
21. I now work nights and feel guilty about losing that time with my family.
22. We have 1 cat, 1 turtle and are considering a teacup chihuahua in the near future.
23. We live in an apartment in VA
24. Both my husband's family and my own live in different states, far away.
25. I lived in NY for the first 27 years of my life
26. I miss my family and friends, but I like it here.
27. My least favorite chore, doing dishes.
28. I don't keep up with current events.
29. My favorite color is purple.
30. I used to have purple hair.
31. I wish I still could.
32. I feel like I have lost my identity since moving to VA.
33. I have less self confidence.
34. I miss feeling good about myself.
35. I'm tired
36. I'm sarcastic
37. I think most people nowadays are selfish and ignorant.
38. I am a very intellegent person.
39. I am usually optimistic.
40. I am the oldest of five.
41. My youngest sibling is only one year older than my oldest son.
42. I had a painful and confusing childhood.
43. I have an insanely high pain tolerance.
44. I neglect myself a lot.
45. I love coffee.
46. My metabolism sucks!
47. I can't wait to get rid of this body.
48. I actually miss dieting.
49. I forgot what it's like not to be so tired all the time.
50. I am very passionate about music
1. I am dreading my upcoming birthday.
2. I will be turning 29, again.
3. I am a mother of 3 but will be 4 in June.
4. My kids ages are 12, 10, 2 and still waiting for #4
5. I am happily married to a wonderful man.
6. My husband and I work opposite hours to care for our kids.
7. I miss my husband.
8. I love to write, poetry mostly.
9. I love drawing just as much, if not more.
10. I haven't had much time to do either lately.
11. My husband and I had our honeymoon in Paris.
12. I won the trip to Paris in a writing contest sponsored by M&M's.
13. I love entering contests, blog or otherwise.
14. I have very little time to enter any contests.
15. I don't enjoy my job.
16. I long to stay home with my children, but can't.
17. Sometimes, I get depressed.
18. I have great faith that God will see us through.
19. I miss riding my bike.
20. I used to have craft nights with my only daughter.
21. I now work nights and feel guilty about losing that time with my family.
22. We have 1 cat, 1 turtle and are considering a teacup chihuahua in the near future.
23. We live in an apartment in VA
24. Both my husband's family and my own live in different states, far away.
25. I lived in NY for the first 27 years of my life
26. I miss my family and friends, but I like it here.
27. My least favorite chore, doing dishes.
28. I don't keep up with current events.
29. My favorite color is purple.
30. I used to have purple hair.
31. I wish I still could.
32. I feel like I have lost my identity since moving to VA.
33. I have less self confidence.
34. I miss feeling good about myself.
35. I'm tired
36. I'm sarcastic
37. I think most people nowadays are selfish and ignorant.
38. I am a very intellegent person.
39. I am usually optimistic.
40. I am the oldest of five.
41. My youngest sibling is only one year older than my oldest son.
42. I had a painful and confusing childhood.
43. I have an insanely high pain tolerance.
44. I neglect myself a lot.
45. I love coffee.
46. My metabolism sucks!
47. I can't wait to get rid of this body.
48. I actually miss dieting.
49. I forgot what it's like not to be so tired all the time.
50. I am very passionate about music
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Mommy is
Mommy is a helper
Mommy is a friend
Mommy is a worker
Whose shift will never end
Mommy is a teacher
Mommy is a nurse
Mommy is always prepared
With the whole world in her purse
Mommy is a fixer
Mommy is a pro
Mommy has two sets of eyes
So Mommy always knows
Mommy is a nurturer
Mommy is the boss
Mommy never ever yells
(Except when she is cross)
Mommy is a student
Mommy never rests
Mommy has the hardest job
Mommy is the best
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Mommy is a friend
Mommy is a worker
Whose shift will never end
Mommy is a teacher
Mommy is a nurse
Mommy is always prepared
With the whole world in her purse
Mommy is a fixer
Mommy is a pro
Mommy has two sets of eyes
So Mommy always knows
Mommy is a nurturer
Mommy is the boss
Mommy never ever yells
(Except when she is cross)
Mommy is a student
Mommy never rests
Mommy has the hardest job
Mommy is the best
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Working is hard work!
Working a part time job and taking care of the house is exhausting! My husband and I are currently switching hours and working opposite each other. If absence makes the heart grow fonder than our hearts are pretty darn fond! I am chronically exhausted. I don't know if it's a combination of breastfeeding and working or what, but I am always so tired. It feels like I have been drained. i am old beyond my years. Money is tighter than ever and not working is not an option. I just feel like we are working towards nothing. We aren't getting ahead and I don't think we will be able to anytime soon. Hubby and I barely see each other but at least I know my kids are with one of us at all times. I am left to wonder if this is just how it will always be. Maybe I should just get used to "squeaking by" and working ourselves into an early grave. I wonder is this is it. Life. If this is the rest of our lives. It puts me in a funk. I just need to trust that God will take care of us and that one day it will all be easier. It's hard, but it's all I have.
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